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| *copypaste*
you know, i feel like no one is here to even read these blogs, so
i feel partially okay with writing angsty emo blogs here. >___>
i
don't know. recently, things have just... been turning out all wrong.
Something is just pushing me down, preventing me from having any kind
of fun at all. I know i'm just being a baby about it and that i just
kind of have no... real reason to complain, but...
...seriously.
i feel like just curling up in a corner and die right now. It's fscking
Halloween and my friends and I are being "the Seven Deadly Sins" (but
some people drop out and there's only four of us now, so now we're just
"Deadly Sins" harhar) for school -- but I'm considering not to even go
to school now because i am just... fuckin' done.
I have been an extreme inconvenience to my boyfriend, i haven't had
much sleep since two days ago when i was that exhausted enough to sleep
at 8:30 and .... i just really want to smash my head through the window
and gauge my eyes out with a spoon at the moment.
I don't know
-- i just hate complaining but i do it all the time. I really am trying
and holding myself back just for the sake of -- i dunno, fear of
sounding like a complete whiny noob. God, words just can't even
describe how much i hate myself right now. Things just didn't work out
well in the passed few days and there's no one to really blame -- but
if there's any slight possibility that *i* was at fault (which a lot),
then i just end up beating myself senseless. I have done this for
years. This is how i get by. Damage to my self-esteem, but whatever.
Anything to prevent myself from lashing out against others -- I already
do that enough. Taking anger out on others when they don't see it
coming -- it's one of the worst faults that I have difficulty fixing.
I've done that a lot recently.
I -- I don't know what else to
talk about, what else to say that won't make me feel/seem even more of
a shitbag of emoism (which i am right now). I'm just going through a
hopefully short storm of depression and oppression right now. Not going
to school and shutting down my last Halloween in high school all
because I'm stressed and angry at myself is just fucking pathetic.
There are a few people that are expecting me to be in school right now
(the "Deadly Sin" friends, that class that i'm supposed to provide
chips for, my teacher who expects that goddamn essay from me,
boyfriend) and it would be horrible sight if they ended up not seeing
me today. I would let some people down. I might as well scrap by
through the day in hope of having just a little bit of fun...
...
...but i just feel hopeless. I don't want to admit it, but i don't have anyone to stick by me at the moment.
Seriously,
i feel sorry for myself. Not to say that i am wallowing in self-pity.
This is the kind of pity that brings shame and disgust to my eyes. This
is the kind of pity that is offending in every single aspect possible.
This is the very pity that should bring scars to my useless sense of
pride, dignity and stubbornness. I deserve to chock on some fuckin'
rice grains or something. Pitiful and weak -- that is what i am.
No,
i don't want others to feel sorry for me. No, i don't want others to
say "awww cathy you're a great person so don't ever think that way of
yourself!"or any kind of crap like that. I do not want sympathy, i do
not want pity-based comfort.
Probably, predictably, someone is
bound to read this. And if you are a reader of this blog, then i am
very sorry in my utmost sincerity. I'm sorry that you had to read this
and gag, or laugh, whatever.
I just needed to blog some of these
things out in order to keep me just a little bit more sane for the day
(if I'm going to have a day). I've stopped talking to my friends about
these kinds of things because it's just plain disgraceful and
embarrassing (as if blogging about all of this to one on isn't
disgraceful enough, probably worse). It's like this is my way of
trying to retain any scraps of dignity i can hold on to (which is very
little). I've hid myself away to hide because I'm too afraid of how
others will perceive me, what the reactions would be if my friends were
to look at the real, pitiful me in the face. I want to be seen as
someone who is confident and secure about themselves -- someone who's
independent and always smiling. I want to be the things that I'm not at
the moment. I just want to love life. But life can be a bitch sometimes
adn that's just the way things are (kinda like how i am to my boyfriend
:0! ). I want to be my own person -- not someone who is clingy, whiny
and insecure. If anything, I'm "hiding behind a mask". If anything, I'm
playing "hide and seek".
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
/end | | |
| ........mmmm.
it's taking me a little while... to decide whether or not i would like to go through with blogging this or not. I don't want to think about it. But yet, at the same time... i don't know. I just feel... i feel congested. Or stuck. Or... i don't know. I don't know what to think, i don't know what to do. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what.. what i should -- or HOW i should handle this...
...How do you do this? How do you function properly after receiving all of the information that was just given? How do you... how do you carry yourself the same way before you were told of it? How could i ever be the same?
No. I'm not depressed.
I don't think I'm depressed.
I'm fine. I'm still able to stand. I can stand.
...when i took a nap that day... at that time..
..i didn't want to wake up.
i... i did not want to face the reality of it.
I didn't want to know the truth.
I even stopped asking them, "so how are you today?"
Mmmm...
No.. no, i did not want to wake up that day.
It was because of it that i tried not to get out of bed when they told me to get up.
..mmm.
i... kind of don't want to do this.
BUt what choice do i have?
It's probably better than i was told of this...
Even though i didn't want to know...
And i couldn't cry in front of them.
i just couldn't. I wanted to be strong.
...but i didn't feel very strong. I really wanted to cry,
but i forced myself not to cause, well..
..i didn't want to cry. And i just bit onto my bottom lip.
And if i do cry, i hope that i won't be in their presence then.
Mmm...
i don't want to think about it..
don't think about it..
block it out..
close your eyes...
Mmmaugh...
Mike, don't worry about me.
| | |
|
.
So, there's this song.
& It's called "shatter".
. . .
things around me
seems to be near
the point of
shattering.
so whoever feels
as if they're close
to breaking down:
I beg you N O T to
f a l l a p a r t . . .
but it fell apart anyway.
| | |
| My heart is racing. I'm shaking. I can't breathe. Im starting to feel numb. My mind's blank. Thought proccess. Lag. What's happeneing? Lag. Lag. I need to react. Lag. Thought proccess. Lag. Lag. Lag. Think of something. Lag. Though proccess. Froze. Crashed. Shit. Ctrl+Al+Delete. Shut down. Click. System will now shut down. ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... | | |
| The older i got, the more i realized that...
...there are just some things that you have no control over.
Some things you can't do anything about.
I always hated that when i was younger. Like, when i was 10 or 11.
Then i leanred to accept it when i was 12 or 13.
Hmm. Just reminiscing, i guess.
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